I want to literally rip my hand and mind apart right now... A stupid event years ago hit me straight in the face today.... I would've rubbed the back of my hand raw with the force of the paper I used from the bathroom. I stopped myself, though.

I turn on the television to watch something. Anything, really. Except for the stuff I recently watched. Well, anyways... The first thing that shows up is Planet of the Apes. Don't get me wrong, I love that movie, but I had seen it not too long ago. 2 weeks, maybe? But my father, being sick and always wanting to be in control of the tv, wants to watch it. I say that I've already seen it, so I scroll through the guide and then find my way to On Demand. I turn my head to see my dad scowling, so I hand him the remote (stupid, stupid, STUPID). So, instead of looking through the free movies, he goes to the pay per view. Fine, let him spend money. But he scurries though that and automatically exits and just starts watching PotA. HELLO!? I just told you that I've already seen it. I tell him that, and he's like, when? And I just snapped, saying '2 weeks ago at so an so's house' and left. I can't stand him sometimes. He ignores me so he can get his way. STUPID JERK.

And I have no reason to be that upset.... I just hate being blocked out of a decision and overruled. And I'm crying. CRYING. I guess I really am a drama queen. Am I dumb, or what?

Watched The Descent with friends I haven't seen in ages. That was highly entertaining. I was laughing my head off until about half-3/4 of the way through. Then it actually got a bit creepy. Still... The couple right next to me clung to each other in fear and they both screamed. A lot.

I might hang out with them on Sunday. I don't know yet, because you-know-who might be there.

Perhaps I am overrated. Perhaps I tend to over think things, but... I don't really care. I smile because of randomness. I smile because I can. But only because of that. I lose myself, sometimes, in my dreary thoughts and push people away. I'm alone, in my own world. People come to see me, but... I'm only a shadow of what I can be.

I'm no longer talking to those that I once frequently talked to. I'm losing myself within the hole that I thought had once healed in eighth grade. But I guess it was only scabbed over. Am I really going to go into my depression again? Why can't I stop it? 

A chain of events... Guy friend crush. He hitting on me. Too brother sister. -shudders- Nothing will change, he said. Well, horse shit. Things did change. You pursue girls all the time now. They deny you. And I'm not even close to you anymore. What happened to that bond? Sure, we talk every once in a while, now, but that's it. No laughter. Just an uneasy grin that makes me feel worse. I can't do it anymore.

I should just graduate early. Leave campus. Become solitary. I've locked myself away so many times that it's easy. Sever all ties and just... be a blip. Hide. I just want to fade into the walls. Is it that hard to be forgotten? Yes, people missed me. But... I can't help but feel that I'm mostly in the way.

Depressed, is it? I guess so.

"We don't have money right now." Was what you said to me 3 days ago. 2 days ago, you said you weren't going to be paid until the middle of next month. So I didn't ask for a family outing, or something from you. I felt horrible for taking my allowance, knowing you were on the edge of being totally broke. And you said today that you weren't going to visit my sister because it was too expensive. But you get one phone call from her and she comes home on your money. The money you don't have and you want to plan a weekend trip with her. What about fuel costs? Hotel room costs? In this one weekend, you're going to spend $700 or more because she's coming home. You even yelled at me that you deserved to spend this money on yourself and her. Don't you get it?! I'm here and you do nothing special with me. Perhaps it's because I don't ask. But I know not to ask because of financial woes. I asked if you wanted to go to the movies Thursday. You refused, because you didn't have the money. I asked if you wanted to see the Chinese Acrobats, but you chose not to go because you were 'busy'. The show went all summer long... IT WAS EVEN FREE AND CLOSE. I would've even paid for the gallon of gas you would've wasted driving there and back.

But no. It was too much out of your way and too expensive. But now... I don't care anymore. I don't want to try anymore. I didn't ask for any unnecessary money this summer. And I asked for my allowance only because I couldn't do anything without it. But here you go, spending $700 because she's coming home. I get it that you haven't seen her since last year. But to ignore going on a trip with just me... I won't forgive you. I only have a single school year left until I leave this house. If you are oblivious to the only thing getting in between your guys's fights, and only look at the one who has already left, then keep forgetting until you lose me in June. Then you'll feel my pain.

All I'm good at is being yelled and picked at by you. To hide in my bedroom. Or be called 'drama queen'. Am I really that bad?

I'm tired of trying to be one your good side. I'm tired of trying to make you happy. I'm tired of crying over you. And... I'm tired of trying.

I did forget to write down that my surgery went through, and it was successful. Now I'm on replacement hormones, but it doesn't bug me much. My scars are healing nicely and I'm left to sit around and do nothing... Since I broke up with my boyfriend, I guess I have nothing to do. Ah well... Today was a decent day, though, by my standards. I still feel unneeded and unwanted, but I'll cope. As long as I don't break down again. All I have to do is put on my mask, though. n.n;

Why am I not remembering anything? It’s very frightening not being able to remember things I did yesterday… Did I skip something? And I can’t even remember important conversations… Nothing makes sense. I can’t believe that I’m young; I have the mind of someone much older than I. When I don’t remember something, I get defensive. And when I get defensive, the topic changes to something broader. Instead of facing it, I run to my bedroom. I try to explain my forgetfulness, but… They don’t listen. I’ve been shirking my duties… I’ve been locking myself in my bedroom. I can’t decide what to do. I’m being lazy and waiting until the last second. My flaws are once again showing… I even wait until the last second on momentous occasions, and unintentionally forgetting the important dates and times. I’m not getting my license, even though I need one. I need a job. I’m losing myself again… And I’m crying again. I told myself that I would exercise. But what I’ve done is near enough to zip that I don’t even trust myself. I can’t talk to anyone… My parents accuse it as it an excuse. I’m not keeping in contact with anyone… I don’t know what to do in life. My friends have jobs and know what schools they’re going to go to. I lack dreams and ideals. Why can’t I trust myself to do anything?! I’m afraid of failing… Afraid of trying. Or am I too lazy? I don’t know myself at all, and I deny any kindness that I give. Am I a hypocrite? Do I talk too much about myself? Am I… a liar again? I’m pushing away friends. I don’t know what to think. The only thing I’m good at is that I seem to waste time. Should I just end it all? Save myself the grief of life. But others would cry. I’m full of emotion and yet… I’m emotionless. I’m a sociopath in many ways. I lack self-confidence. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE! My thoughts are jumbled… When I’m happy, I gain more sadness. Happiness is just a mask for what’s inside. Have I ever been truly happy? I don’t know. I don’t even want to find out… While I’m conscious, life is… No longer worth it. I have friends that I don’t see. I’m ugly and seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Do I even want to try anymore?


And yet again... No one reads this. Not even friends realize that this blog is here. I guess, when I am gone, I shall write a note. A note explaining what to do... Leading them to things they never saw... They heard, but they blocked their ears and called me a drama queen.

There is no one... Not a single fricken one of you who's going to read this. You know why? I get pushed aside and I'm never fucking heard. Yes, this is my first post. Never thought I'd use it, eh? Well, too fucking bad. I did. And nobody knows who I am. So there.

Too many things happening. I'm depressed, locked away from this world that's so-called beautiful. I can't stand anyone right now, not even my dogs. The thought of them walking towards me gets my teeth to grind. I just... Want to suffocate something. I've always had these days where I can't stand any noise. None. And I don't know why I get into these moods. Don't ask. I can't even talk to my own mom because she'll just say I'm being a drama queen or I'll get yelled at for changing my tone. So I usually just fall asleep and wait for the next day. Well, it is the next day. And three days later? I'm in the same fucking mood.

 I've also been avoiding my boyfriend of TWO YEARS. Yes, two days ago it marked two years. And what did I do to get out of hanging out with him for very long so I wouldn't get annoyed at him? Didn't do my laundry the day before. Waited until I absolutely HAD to, and that was at 3 pm on our anniversary. I procrastinated because all I fucking heard from him was "cheer up", "Be happy", "Get out of your mood" and "Meow" every five seconds. And then I look at him and see PITY written all over his face. And he also makes me try to plan everything. He'll race down, complain about sitting around, I'll ask him what he wants to do, and he'll just say, "I dunno. Whatever makes you happy." DON'T YOU GET IT?! I want you to pick. Make me go somewhere without asking is this what you want to do? Make a decision, dammit. And this procrastination? Made me feel horrible. I love him to death, but with all this stress piling up and the moods I've been in, I wanna be as far away as I can from people. I don't want to get them angry with me.

Dad's coming home. Mark this joyous occasion. I lift the flag for the new bickerfests to begin. Being picked at. Intervening. Yup. I intervene and vacate myself from the living room so I wouldn't be picked at. Woo. Lucky me. SECLUSION ROCKS when I'm in this mood. -sulks-

AND my mom's losing weight. It wouldn't be a bad thing, but she's rubbing it in my face. I can't exactly lose the weight, mom. I have CUSHINGS (Look it up, and see why I can't lose weight). Sorry for being a pain in the ass when I ask for new clothes and deny you my skinnier clothing. Thanks for making me so much more insecure about myself. I just absolutely love it.

And mark 5 days til the end of the weight torture. That's when I fly back east to the NIH and surrender myself to the scalpel. Yes, surgery. Duh. I absolutely abhor change and meds, and now I'm losing something that my body needs and going on a lifelong hormone replacement med. Good thing about it? My weight loss. Yes, instead of gaining, I'm losing. Shweet. Without my adrenal glands, they won't produce excess amounts of cortisol. Yay.

Careful, my surgery is a mouthful. Full Laparoscopic Bilateral Adrenalectomy. Look it up, why don't ya? Oh yeah. No one's reading this.


Edit: July 14, 2008: I no longer have my anchor. I dumped him, with no tears at all. Am I such a horrible person? Once less tie to sever....